By Britt M’Cheyl
I feel like I live in a constant state of fullness. I’ve been full of joy, at times full of anger and now in these moments, I feel like I’m full of grief. I get so disappointed at times that I feel like I just need rest. I found my name today on a card Christian bookstore and it read, “strength.” It’s crazy because people have often told me that they think that I am so strong, but I’ve never agreed. I got mad when I saw the meaning. Why would it say that?
I used to think that whenever times got tough I had to lift my hands and fly into a shout, praising God for all that He’s done for me. I would take the day off from everyone and everything and go into heavy praise and worship. I still feel like that sometimes. I just want to shut down my social media pages and become dead to the world. I don’t want to answer my phone and I don’t want anyone popping up at my house. I just need rest. I need a minute to just sit back and breathe.
I’ve learned that since the Lord wants authentic relationship with us, these are the moments when He provides us with rest. Amy Grant sings about a “Broken Hallelujah.” Sometimes that’s all I have and it’s okay. Authentic relationship with the Lord means that I get to sit in His presence and just be there. I get to feel overwhelmed by life and not feel guilty because I don’t feel like lifting my hands and screaming, “Thank you Jesus!” I get to be broken because my daddy is a healer.
I need to know in these moments that I am not alone. I need to feel His presence in the midst of my sorrow. I need a minute to rest and know that He is the Great I Am. I need the Lord to remove the weight that weighs down my back and bows my head and shoulders in pain. I need a minute to stare off in silence and rest.
This fullness of grief stacks up like building blocks on a foundation. There’s so much to do and so much to say that I don’t know where to begin. I want to scream. I want to cry. I just need a minute to rest. I need to feel Him in the passing of the winds and His warmth in the glow of the sun. I need the sun to glow and not glare, the winds to whisper and not roar, the rains to cease if for only but one moment. God, I need rest. In the stillness and quietness He is God and He is good.
The Lord replied, “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” –Exodus 33:14 (NIV)